Dear Ursula,
Whenever I fly commercial airlines I invariably end up in front of a small kicking child or in front of someone
with a horrible accent, who has a loud inane conversation for the entire flight.
I’ve tried headphones and earplugs to no avail.
Annoyed in Ann Arbor.
Dear Annoyed,
OMG my sentiments exactly. I have a few ideas for you.
Asking to be reseated could just have you in a middle seat by a
screaming seat kicker, and her children, so don’t go there. Simply practice your meanest glare over the
seat back at the small kicking child or adult. Continue Glare, repeat, Glare.
As far as bad accents go, there is no time for any sort of
“My Fair Lady” transformations in a two hour flight. A two hour movie,
yes. So you need to nip this in the
bud. You say in the softest tones, “Are
you planning on conversing for the entire flight? You see, I have (make up
Jewish Dr. sounding name like, Baumgartener-Weinstein Syndrome), with a tumor
the size of a (name fruit) and all conversation fires up the neurons and aggravates
the tumor.”
Dear Ursula,
I have a friend “Rhonda” who has no life and is constantly
gossiping about others. She’ll tell me in vivid details about how her friend “Mary
Ann” is behind in her mortgage payments and has to sell her emerald tennis bracelet,
or how her friend “Debbie” got her married boss to pay for her boob job. I’m worried that I can’t confide in her.
Linda with Secrets
Dear Linda,
There are a lot of Rhondas in the world. Here is what you
do: A. Keep Rhonda as a useful source of
information that could come in handy someday.
B. Only tell Rhonda about things you’d like everyone to know: your son
on dean’s list, etc. (unlikely, on all counts, but she’ll think she’s in your loop.) C. Become friends with Mary Ann and Debbie –
they sound way more interesting than Rhonda. And keep us posted on this Debbie/boss affair.
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