I have a friend who takes forever to get ready and is always
late. Sometimes 1 or 2 hours. She always has some sort of catastrophe. What
should I say to her?
Waiting in NY
Dear waiting, first decide if this person is worth waiting
for. People who always have catastrophes are at least fascinating. So assuming
you want to keep this friend, you do a simple calculation on her average
lateness say, 1:43 hours and show up then. Or you could turn this into an opportunity
to outdo her in the rude and fascinating department! You could turn up 4 hours late in a tiara and fishnets –and have a more fabulous excuse like, “Sorry
darling, I was detained by a handsome prince in Monaco.”
Dear Ursula:
There is a man in my office who wears a lot of cologne. I
have to work in the next cubicle and sometimes find it hard to breathe. I have
gently said to him that I’m allergic, but it's not really true. I’ve even
mentioned it to my manager, but she’s afraid to offend him, and doesn’t want to get into it.
Dolores
Dear Dolores, you’ve suffered long enough in your cubicle.
It’s time for action! Have you had your eye on your wimpy boss’s job? Go for it! You'll make more money, and you'll get her office, which must be out of smells way. Another thought is to out- stink the perpetrator. Spray
some Eau de Pepe Le Pew in his cubicle and see if he relocates.
Got Problems? Write to Ursula and she'll tell you what to do.
This is a humor column. We are just kidding half the time, and not responsible for any crazy things you do after reading this.
If you want to have sex all the time with gorgeous people —become a writer. As a fiction writer, you get to
create good-looking characters —then get them to do whatever you want! This means you can have sex with them. Yes,
even you! Fictitious people tend to be better than real people anyway.
You can even get them to love you back. If they dump you, you can get them to
come groveling back in say, chapter 17. In my
novel, Palm Beach Busybodies, Emma has many sexy scenes with Graham, the
handsome British yacht captain. Graham has green eyes, a deep clef in his chin, broad shoulders and is very smart.Besides sailing yachts, he plays the guitar and sings. I always pictured
Ewan McGregor playing him in the movie version, and even added a singing role just
for him. Are you reading this Ewan? If not, Julian Ovenden of Downton Abbey also has a
lovely singing voice and looks good in a tux.
Originally,
the book only had one sex scene; then all of my male friends said, “What? We
have to read through 424 pages of unrequited love and Chanel dresses, just for
one sex scene? Their helpful advice revolved around making the novel jam packed with sex scenes and adding some
car chases and wars. We settled on a couple of murders and 5 steamy scenes.
As the book was wrapping up, I sent it off for final edit. My editor said the sex scenes all had to go. She is a woman.I’ve never met her, but I’m sure she looks
like the church lady from Saturday Night Live. I chose to ignore her.
Here are 5 ways do it with sexy people. If you decline my invitation to La La Land, and prefer to operate in the real world, the hints are still helpful.
1. Sexy characters.
This is fiction so you can make him or her anyway you like. Long, uncut, moaner, handsome,
British Accent. Hmm. You can have more than one, but they have to be unique.
Muscular, tanned, Rich, green eyes, dimples. Ah, the mind wanders.
2. Dangerous venue.
Have the characters trapped somehow in close dark quarters. Emma and Graham are often stranded at sea. Characters are always swapping cabins, or walking in on each
other. They get caught in the rain a lot. Wet = sexy.Have the power go off, or make it really hot, so the characters are
just wearing slips, and are glistening.
3. Forbid the love.
Emma is in love with her soul mate Dr. Weinstein. But she can’t have him
because he’s married, so she has to be fixed up with his yacht captain. But
whenever she’s having sex with Graham, she’s thinking of the Dr.
4. Variety is the
spice. There are a lot of ways to do it. Take a gander at the kama sutra
for ideas. Ask people to demonstrate their favorite ways. For "research
purposes," I had a man help me act out a few things, you know to be able
to describe it just right. You will not have a shortage of volunteers.
5. Special effects.
Have some Bossa Nova songs playing in the background. Have a character play the saxophone,
or write poems in the sand. Maybe a
flute is sexier, because now I have an image of Woody Allen in my head. Besides provocative songs, have candles and sexy lingerie. Stop
whatever you’re doing right now and get some whipped cream! Graham writes “I
love you,” on Emma’s naked body with RediWhip
then he eats it off her. In another scene he pours a
salty margherita on her glistening body and then licks it off.
Okay,I might have to have a
cigarette, even though I don’t smoke.
Press here to buy some stuff. You've had a long week and deserve it. I think I'd like that tiny pink nightie! Wow, Amazon sells everything —even cases of whipped cream.
Help! I’m 49 and have been miserably married for 20 years with 4 rotten kids from his previous marriage. There is a man in my
office who looks like a movie star, whom I can't stop thinking about. Should I leave my husband for him?
Torn in Toronto
Dear Torn, Most married people are miserable, which is why
there should be more government regulation to stop this madness. Speaking of
laws: have you ever contemplated killing any of them? If you’ve had this thought
more than twice a day, I admire your restraint, but it’s time to get out. At 49
you could still get another man, assuming you do not weight 250 lbs. If
you look like hell, than you should exact your revenge by staying put. You can
keep the movie star as a delicious fantasy man because it ain’t gonna happen
in real life.
Dear Ursula,
I’m getting married in a year in California. Most of my
friends live on the east coast and are married and some might be very pregnant
by then. I’m having trouble figuring out
whom to ask to be my 5 bridesmaids. Please advise.
Monica in Santa Monica
Dear Monica,
Ah, bridesmaids and weddings are what keep advice columns in
business. First of all, do you really think you should be dilly-dallying on
this wedding date? Think of all the beautiful women in LA who could steal your
man in a year. Close the deal sister! If you make the date for say, 3 months from
now —and you are the noisy type, you’ll know how pregnant everybody is, and how they got that way. Keep in mind, married women do not
want to waste money getting to your wedding. They will also hate whatever dress
you make them wear. You might as well choose 5 women —who have done you wrong!
Click here! Who knew you could get a wedding dress for $86!
Have a problem? Write in, and Ursula will tell you what you need to hear.
(Keep in mind, this is a humor column. We are kidding! Do not do half the things we say to do.)
Today's column is the first of a series of advice columns, answered by my pug Ursula.
Dear Ursula,
Every year, my in-laws invite us to their home for St.
Patrick Day. My mother-in-law always gets stinking drunk and over cooks the
corned beef. My husband doesn’t want to say anything. What
should I do?
Mary Lou in Boston
Dear Mary Lou, I am sure many of our readers can relate to
getting stinking drunk. You have a few
options: 1. You can have your wimpy husband keep his mother out of the sauce.
2. You can turn this into an opportunity, by secretly recording her and
threatening to put it on facebook. This video can be used to get free trips,
and the valuable silver.
Dear Ursula,
Our next-door neighbor likes to sunbath with her top off. My
husband George has now decided to paint the house, even though we have aluminum
siding. I think it’s so he can see over the fence. How can I get her to keep a
top on?
Gloria in Omaha
Dear Gloria, you have married a peeping-tom and live next to
a floozy. I think you should move away. There are nicer places than Omaha anyway.
Something bothering you? Send it to Ursula, and get the answers you need. If you ask nicely, or buy her lingerie, she'll tell you what you want to hear.
