5 Things Invented by Mean People.

You can lose a limb using PhotoShop!

By Donna Drejza

DonnaDrejza.com

Besides the obvious land mines and machine guns, there are a lot of things that could only have been invented by mean people. These are unhappy people, who must get a thrill out of driving people crazy.  

1. Saran wrap: Okay, I am completely incapable of using Saran wrap or any kind of clingy product.  Forget trying to use it to slim one’s thighs—I can’t even wrap a tuna sandwich without becoming a hostage. When I finally free myself, I lose the edge of the roll, and it comes off in thin pieces shaped like Florida or Italy, which forces me to mummify my food. Mom says to put the Saran wrap in the freezer so it peels off more easily.  I don’t know if this works because I always forget it’s there and keep buying more. Then there is the blood.  In my glee at successfully peeling the edge,  I invariably cut the under side of my chin on the serrated edge.  Foil is my shiny new best friend.

2. Copiers: I’m not allowed to use the copier at work any more. This is what comes out of my mouth when I use the copier,  “#@$%^@!!??&!!” It is well documented in medical journals that frequent use of Xerox-type copiers can be attributed to nearly 54.2% of all cases of Tourette’s Syndrome.  Our new fancy copier at work has 5 drawers to hold paper. One would think this is a good thing; no, it is not. Say you wanted to print something on letterhead. It already takes multiple attempts just to figure out whether the letterhead goes face up, face down, logo top or logo bottom—now these combinations and permutations must be carried out of 5 possible mystery drawers.  This is = 5x4x3x2x1 attempts. Then the copier will invariably flash that it’s out of paper.  

3. Mammogram Machines: Clearly invented by a man.  Let's put a sensitive body part in a cold glass vice and then tighten the vice!  Now lets add some radiation for fun! 

4. Passwords: This accounts for the other 45.8% of Tourette’s Syndrome cases.  There are mean people who must sit around all day trying to think of ways to make people go insane. People like me who are just trying to do their job, or buy dresses online. The worst are case-sensitive passwords with special characters. They should be against the law.  I can’t see the little green dot on my caps lock key half the time, so I can’t tell what I’ve typed. At least give me more than 3 tries at this before locking me out. I need 16 tries! And don’t make me reset my password when I forget. Just tell me. Or let me use my favorite dog’s name; that is if I can remember which one is my favorite.

5. PhotoShop: It taunts me. It knows what I want to do, yet it mocks me every time. It chopped off Ewan McGregor’s hands in an earlier post. Maybe they were too pasty. It took a chunk out of sexy Ed Speleer’s head. It makes me reduce things to microscopic proportions, before it lets me operate. Trying to get rid of a double chin just gives someone a black line with a sharpie pen. Taking out red eye makes people look like exorcists. 

Please join me in punishing these mean inventors. One way would be to make them use them all at once. 

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© Donna Drejza